I have felt the need to write this because many people over the years have told me why they do not like the thought of therapists.  Main points are:

1. "Talking to a complete stranger about my inner most feelings”
2. “They will just make you cry”
3. “They can make you think and feel things you don’t want to, give you false memories”
4. “I’m scared”
5. “I’m fine now, my feelings are back in their box”

I am going to answer these one at a time for clarity

1. No therapist would expect you to talk about things that you have hidden until you build up trust. The right therapist would never feel like a complete stranger and you should always choose someone you have a connection and challenge situations you have thought of.
2. There maybe some crying, if there is something you need to emotionally process. Therapy also includes laughing, exploring your feelings, situations that you have thought of a certain way.  Good therapy should challenge you to think about things that you have told and accepted. Below all of the social conditioning to find the core you good therapy should look to find what you think below all the conditioning.
3. Although it is perfectly normal to feel this way, your emotions, especially ones that ‘leak’ and are uncontrollable, are already a part of you and your experience. Ignoring them does not make them go away and if you were not upset about something, a therapist could not invoke these feelings in you. They are yours. Again, you should listen to your instinct when choosing a therapist.

1. Therapy is scary, and sometimes painful, but not always, and I always liken it with my clients to a triangle of mud. We will not get the ‘dark, scary’ parts until we have worked down the pile.  The top of the pile being the lightest first, so by the time we get to the hard, painful childhood parts, you are stronger as you’re not carrying the whole pile.
2. This is a way of your brain safely putting emotions where it can be controlled. This is also called suppression. Emotion lives in every part of you, including your physical body.  Emotion does not just go away until it is healed.  What will happen is your emotion will come back stronger and stronger until you finally deal with it. This may look like depression and anxiety.

Therapy is really nothing to be frightened about although many people are. A lot of people believe that each session is some kind of cry fest, and that they will have to talk about things they don’t want to.  You think it will be painful? No more painful than how you feel right now. You choose what you talk about, and any good therapy would be led by what you are wanting to discuss in the room. Tips on finding a good therapist:

• Go to a therapist registered body and look through their online directories, there are a few such as BACP, UKCP,Psychology Today.
• Make a list of what you think you might need to talk about.
• Try to find someone specific for your needs, for example Trauma or Bereavement or Eating issues.
• Do not stick to the first person you find if you feel uncomfortable.  Just because you are unsure of how you are supposed to feel the first time please, do not give up if it does not feel right.  That is the therapist not therapy.  Any good therapist will not take this personally and want you to feel positive about your experience.
• Keep going. It is tempting when you have your first revelation to feel great and think you do not need therapy anymore. When the first feeling falls off, you can often feel silly about going back into therapy again.  Do not rush, keep going and work to an ending with your therapist.
• The biggest piece of advice I can give anyone is do not expect anyone else (therapist included) to ‘fix’ you.  There can be many things that are making you feel the way you do (list below) but the only person who can challenge those or work on them is you.  You have the power to be whoever you want to be and feel how you want to feel.  You just need to be prepared to work towards that goal.  No one else can fix how you feel.

List of things that can impact how you are feeling:

How do you emotionally regulate? How do you cognitively process? What are your patterns of relating? Are these positive or negative?What are your core beliefs? Do you believe negative things about yourself? Do you listen to others before yourself? Do you trust others before yourself? Do you compare yourself? Whose standards are you living to? Yours or parents/peers? Do you live a life you want to? Do you like yourself? Have you suffered Trauma? Have you suffered adverse childhood experiences? Have you lost someone you love? Were you in a violent relationship?  There are so many questions to ask yourself, but the main one is, do you know yourself? Do you know all these things about yourself? Have you ever thought about it?  

This and much much more, is what therapy will help you todo.

Hope this helps 😊

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